


Idiots + undercover = madness

by SaSatan



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: At least I tried, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Fake/Pretend Relationship, M/M, its ridiculous
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-07
Updated: 2016-08-07
Packaged: 2018-07-28 10:20:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7636444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaSatan/pseuds/SaSatan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Peter and Wade got a new mission, having to play married.</p><p>Obviously they forget about their work and fall in love.<br/>Natasha helps them. (It's a granny that helps actually)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Idiots + undercover = madness

**Author's Note:**

> It's ridiculous and silly and makes no sense. But I wrote something, so I'm glad.

Worst day.

Peter got a mission, fine, being undercover, also fine, playing married, no problem. 

But Wade Wilson was a problem. A big problem, a problem that Peter could not deal with. Not for months. Not even for a second.

The source of his distress was right next to him, humming quietly, his hips swinging in circles.

Swallowing a groan, he looked back at Captain America, who had a stern face, his arms, well noted gigantic arms, were crossed in front of his chest.

Tony Stark aka Iron Man, was nearby, sitting on the round table with Bruce Banner, a bowl full of nuts in front of them, to which a hand disappears and then back to the mouth of either man.

But that doesn't matter, what matters is that they want from him to work together with Wade Wilson, Deadpool, playing married.

And he let them know, they just didn't care.

Wade also fought, saying he has better things to do and that he's too old to play home. Or that he doesn't feel like working with a bug, which started a new fight, turning away from Steve, facing each other to have better access to the others face.

It ended with Steve sighing, his finger tried to rub the pain away, calling them children. 

At a bad time, then that was as Nick Fury came, comfortable in pj's, obviously black, slippers looking suspiciously like bears, a bowl in his hand.

Scoffing, Nick went to make himself some microwave popcorn, gave Steve at the same time the stinky eye.

"You think, you can go and call other children? Or even childish?"

Tony snickered, tried to hide it behind his hand, but Fury heard it and slapped him across his head.

"You ain't better. Banner is at least a good child."

As Fury patted Bruce, his hand hitting Bruces head, Bruce had to force a smile, a smile that looked like he had obstipation for months and now he can shit again.

Hey, Wade had that once ok, it's painful.

Right as the microwave piped, Bucky and Sam came crashing through the door, Natasha not far. As if they wanted to prove Nick Furys point.

Laughing and play fighting, Natasha roared at them to fight and that they are weak. 

They stopped in their tracks as they saw Fury in front of them, Natasha grinned innocently.

Sam and Bucky tried to get up quickly, pushing the other away, Bucky pushed a little too hard and Sam crashed against Nick, slapped the bowl out of his hands and let it fell on the floor.

It was quiet, terrifyingly quiet.

Nick roared at them to run, Steve went the opposite way as Bucky and the others, Tony and Bruce pretending to read some documents.

Only Wade and Peter were stupid enough to keep fighting, slapping the other, calling each other names.

Nick went quietly to the two, took a deep breath before he yelled at them, making them fall on their butts and nodding, taking the orders with no complaints.

Fury went to his broken bowl, went on his right knee on which his right hand rested.  
The popcorn on the floor, his left hand carefully touched it.  
With a tired sigh, long and suffering, he asked everyone to leave. To give him space, as he grieved for his bowl and popcorn.

Why does he even bother with those fuckers?

~*~ 

The mission was easy, actually. Stupidly easy, so easy that it kinda hurt they asked Peter to do it.  
He gets it why Wade should take part of the mission, but why him?

It's not like it will change the more he complaints, it's just does things worse.

Peter was earlier on the meeting point, his bags packed and ready to go to a little city whose name he already forgot. It's not even a city, more like an old school village, that accept gays and dogs.  
No shit, it's written like that on their flyer.

A few minutes later Wade appears, and Peters heart didn't jump for what ever reason humanity would think. It was because Wade is without his mask, he has hair first of all, his skin doesn't look like testicle with teeth.

What the hell.

Next to him is Tony, behind them Steve. Tony was talking to Wade, showing him something.

"Those little 'band aids' on your temple radiates. You know what? Doesn't matter how it works. You just need to know that it's like a hologram over your body and making you look like your old self. And that it's waterproofed."

With a clap on his shoulder, Tony wished then luck and went back, passing Steve and left with a mock salute, to which Steve rolled his eyes.

"Again, so you won't forget. You two are married, you can keep your first names, but your family name will be from now on be McCoy."

Wade pulled a face at the name, with an eyebrow, Steve dared him to talk.  
Raising his hands, showing he won't do anything, Steve continued on their target, a middle aged man, white with honey brown hair and dark brown eyes. They couldn't find out the name, that would be their first job.  
He was seen with two of Hdyra, probably he works for them.

To find out information they have to play a couple? Peter was not ok with it, but if he talks back he will feel Nick Furys anger. He's still sensitive, the thing with his popcorn hit him hard.

With a stern 'understood?', Steve send them away, Peter driving.

Peter thought it's time to be mature and not to start a fight with Wade over little things. They need to get along after all.  
And apparently he already forgot his plan, because Wade was singing along the music from the radio.

And so their road trip of four days started. Bickering and insulting the other and trying to ignore the other.

They had to pull over once just to arm wrestle, which Peter won, obviously.

After the third day, Peter must be feeling home sick, then he actually enjoyed Wades presence.

But he couldn't finish his deliberation, Wade made him nearly laugh, and not to do that favor for Wade, Peter tried not to laugh, biting his lips together.

God, he hates Wade so much.

~*~

Finally at their home, they saw that they still need furniture, which forced them to go out and get some. Of course they didn't pay.

At the store they started to fight immediately, arguing that Peters taste was boring and Wades was over the top.

Meeting at the middle, they found something both would like. With the help of the security guard. That was a moving mountain ok. And he was a civilian, they couldn't possible fight against someone innocent. And that's the only reason, alright.

Everything put on their places, which took longer than it should have, embarrassingly so. They just can't agree on anything.

Good thing that they can order different kinds of food, so they didn't have to fight again. Peter was tired.

Weirdly, they didn't fight about the whole bed sharing thing or who needs to lie where.

They just get up with a light blush, embarrassed that they woke up all cuddled to the other.

They never talked about it. They decided fighting is more fun.

~*~

And after two weeks of living in, Peter laughed at Wades dumb jokes and actually enjoyed listen to him sing, which happens most times under the shower. 

In the third week, Peter finally convinced Wade that cooking is cheaper then to keep ordering food.  
He just didn't expect that Wades a good cook, let alone force Peter to cook together. He was planning more like taking turns.

But it was enjoyable, a lot to be honest. 

And after the first time as Wade shoved a spoon in Peters direction, standing way too close to each other and laughing at nothing, Peter felt like an idiot. 

How could he get all lovey dovey with Wade Wilson, even enjoy it and hope for more? How did that happen under three weeks?

Going back in his head, he opened his mouth, Wade feeded him and asked how it was, Peter kept repeating their trip when they would have bicker to their trip in the furniture store, and smiled to Wade and assured him it was good.

As Wade smiled, bright and goofy, Peter had to turn away, looking for something to do.

That's the worst.

~*~

After a month and a half, Peter finally found a job.

He doesn't have to work, he shouldn't, they need to find their guy, but he used the excuse that they never will find him if they stay inside. It worked, surprisingly.

Now Peter needed to make Wade also work, but like a baby he clutched at Peters leg and begged.

Going down, to be on eye level with Wade, he looked deep into his eyes, Wade seeing more his reflector than Peters eyes thanks to the dumb glasses.

With the sweetest of voice Peter could muster, he promised Wade something sweet and satisfying.

Jaw dropped, forgetting how to breath, Wade nodded, eagerly.

As it turns out, Peter made a cake. It was sweet and satisfying in some way, but not like Wade had imagined. And hoped.

~*~

After two months they got really close, but still on a distance level.  
They cuddle in bed, realizing it's not worth it trying to not cuddle or ignore it afterwards. It's comfortable anyway.

And then there are days where Peter wasn't able to talk to Wade normally.

Wade, just in his sweats, stand in front of their mirror, looking at himself nonstop. 

At first Peter thought Wade was just that narcissistic, but then he saw Wades face, frowning and somewhat sad.

Whenever that happens, Wade gets quiet and go out for a walk.  
At least that's what Wade said to Peter when he leaves the house at nine pm.

Peter always planned just to sleep, it's not his problem, that Wade needs some alone time. 

That's what he said to himself, as Peter cuddled into his blanket and pillow, ready to fall asleep.  
Rolling from side to side, Peter groaned and got up and went to the kitchen to make some coffee.  
If he already has to stay up, not even able to blink, he will do some work which needs coffee.

~*~

His clock in his laptop said quarter past one.  
Peter sighed, closed his laptop with a little to much force and took his cup, which was unfortunately empty.

That dickface was still not home. He will punch Wade back New York.

With the left over from last night, Peter watched some TV, not caring if Wade comes back or not. Not at all.

And Peter did not jump when he heard the lock, Wade stepping inside.

Wade looked honestly surprised, but before he could ask why Peters still up, Peter took the pillow that was on the couch and threw it at Wade. Right on his face.  
As the pillow hit the floor, Wade rubbing his nose he didn't saw Peter getting up, another pillow in his hand.

Without warning, Peter hit Wade with the pillow, forcing Wade on his knee.

Wade cried out apologies, asking what he did now and why Peter was so angry.

He didn't get answers, so he waited till Peter was done, his hands hiding his face.

As it stopped, Wade slowly put his hands down and straightened himself.

Peter took the two pillows and placed them back on the couch, letting himself fell on the couch and watching TV, which seemed he was forcing himself to look nonchalant.  
Unsure what to do, Wade made his way next to Peter, slowly reaching his hand out on the couch to sit. Peter did nothing, his eyes glued on the TV, but seeing nothing. 

Wade had to grin, big and bright. It's obvious Peter wasn't paying attention to the TV.

Otherwise he would change the channel.

Wade felt confident, reached his hand out again and put it on Peters thigh. Happy that Peter didn't slap his hand away, Wade dared to make a joke.

"Didn't know you enjoyed watching porn. And on top of that a gang bang. I'm shocked."

The slap stung, clear to see and his coworkers, hours later, made fun of him.  
But it was worth it, every joke he had to listen to brought memories of the night as Wade apologized with hugs cuddles.

He could even sneak a kiss out of Peter, making him guilty because of his cheek.

It started as a not so good day but it ended being an awesome day.

~*~

They were walking through the park, unconsciously holding hands.  
They planned to go out to find their guy, after three months they still didn't find a single hint of that nameless guy and Hydra.

The park wasn't planned, though. It happened accidentally.  
They were talking, more like bickering, and tried to push the other away, laughing at each other.

The last few weeks since that accident, they talk more to each other and their bickering now more playful than anything. Most times it's about the chores they share, telling the other it's good or they missed a spot to clean.

Lying on their shared bed, they laughed about it and continued their play fighting.

Wade was telling about one of his mission a few years ago as an old couple interrupted them, asking for the way.

"Oh, we are sorry. We live here for good three months, but we didn't had the chance to look around, so we don't know either."

The old lady smiled and put her hand in her husband own.

"That's fine, we apologise to have interrupted your time together."

Wade let of go of Peters hand and put his arm around her shoulder.

"Granny, we are still time so we have enough time to be together."

She laughed as Wade winked and her husband pinched Wades hand.

Snorting, Peter forced Wade away from the lady.

And because Wade is a jerk, he kissed Peters cheek and exclaimed they are married and happy.  
So the old woman has no chance with him, sadly.

"If you two are married then were is your ring?"

Wade eyes got the size of saucepans, while Peter hold his breath.

A few seconds passed before Wade found his voice.

"At home! You have to know, my Pet here is rather paranoid and believes we will lose them, so we let them at home. Safely at home. For Peter. My husband. We gotta go, I ate Mexican and it's so spicy, I mean it's playing pranks with my stomach. If you two would excuse us, we need to run."

Wade dragged Peter behind him, the older couple snickering quietly.

Peter managed to yell a 'have a good day' before they disappeared.

~*~

"I can't believe it! We forgot the god damn rings. Peter! How could you?"

Groaning, Peter turned around and went to their kitchen. Maybe they still have some tacos? He got suddenly a urge to eat Mexican.

"How could you eat now! We did a serious mistake! Dude, you eating my tacos."

Peter cackled as he ran away, Wade not far.

It's not clear how that happened, they were running around the house.  
They reached their bedroom and Wade threw himself on top of Peter, landing on the bed, thankfully. Wade managed to turn Peter around in the last second.

Without a second of hesitation, they started to kiss, rolling around to the point of falling of the bed.

"You are heavy."

"And you forgot to clean under the bed again. Is that a pizza box?"

"Uhhh. Maybe."

Peter rolled his eyes, pushed himself up.

"Clean under the bed, you big idiot."

Wade leaned on his elbows, grinning up at Peter.

"Oh, you don't know what big is, sweet."

A pair of socks hit Wades chest, making Wade laugh.

~*~

Another two months passed, their mission completely forgotten. Too occupied being lovey dovey. Not really realizing it.

Their kisses happens spontaneous, not every day.

The last time it happened was when Peter had his free day and Wade was late.

Rushing through his breakfast, because Peter refuses to let him leave without food in his stomach, Wade nearly choked on his hot coffee, burning his tounge.

Before he ran out of the door, Wade wished Peter a good day and kissed him.

Wade nearly punched his coworker as he realized what he actually did, a few hours ago.

And Peter answered with a 'love you'.

~*~

From then on they tried to avoid each other, going to bed at different times.  
They still wake up cuddled, Wade was like a bear, clutching and never wanting to let go.

But they did the mistake of not contacting Fury about their mission, Steve expected reports on pogress.

With that, later that week, Natasha and Bucky were forced to visit them and probably to finish the job. Probably also the punishment of Nick Fury.

Peter just wonders where Sam was.

With the two in their home, Peter couldn't believe it that he can call this house their home, was it easier to avoid their problem.

But Peter forgot that Natasha was a noisy person and smelled it when someone was troubled.  
And they have zero chances with Natasha. Bucky just needs to see Peter and remember he's a child and Bucky would even hug him.

~*~

It's obvious that they are scared of a new relationship, but after two weeks of their nonsense, Natasha had enough and they need to get their shit together.

The mission forgotten. Again.

Bucky didn't care what those three do. He has his scrambled eggs, he's happy.

~*~

Natasha tricked them to go to the park, a romantic place. According to Clint.

She has the best plan! She's so excited.  
That plan was foolproof, nothing could destroy her plan.  
A plan so- "What's the old woman doing. No, wait. My plan!"

Angry, Natasha sat on the bench, next to her was a squirrel.

"What are you looking at. Wanna end up as food."

The squirrel sniffed the air and then jumped on Natashas shoulder.

"Even a squirrel is making fun of me. I'm happy, Clint is not here."

Looking back to Wade and Peter, now making out and holding hands, she sighed and looked back to the squirrel.

"Want some ice cream? They have hazelnut ice cream."

~*~

Natasha regrets it that she had an awesome plan, a plan that an old lady crashed. Wade and Peter were now making out all the time.  
They still bicker the whole time they spend together, but end it with kissing.

It's annoying. And Bucky doesn't care, baking some cookies.

The only good news was that they found their guy.

Luis Owen. A delivery boy. He delivered pizza to a man in a suit, the one that works for hydra.

Luis Owen just delivers pizzas and loves his job.

Nick Fury was calm to the end of Natashas report.  
He took a small breathe, sending everyone out.

His hand balling into a fist, he bit in his hand.  
He doesn't deserve this.

**Author's Note:**

> There may be lots of mistakes, I have someone who's helping me, then I will update it and correct the mistakes. Till then you gotta go through this.


End file.
